OH this cruel cruel world

Sometimes all it takes is one person to influence you for the better. For me this person is my mom. She just has a way of putting into words how reality works and her words just capture everything perfectly. It is so hard hearing your dad say to you that he is sad watching you clean tables and make sandwiches after earning a degree. It was even harder for me to admit that I am completely and utterly lost. Even if someone put the road to success in front of me I wouldn't know what to do with it. After some time I just gave up and I didn't care about anything. Recently I have had some hope. I have decided that I need to do things for myself. I have been working out early in the mornings, I have been searching for jobs, I have been doing things that make me happy. I know I am capable of doing so much more than just working at a sub shop. I just need someone to give me a chance. The first step is complete: I have reapplied to University and I am starting in January of next year. The second step is the hardest: Find a better job. I am going to make this happen. Here is to a better future.

I Want to Know What Love is

You know what is sad about reality? EVERYTHING.
We grow up in this world and think that one day we will meet that special someone and it will be perfect and blah fracking blah. To be honest, the word love is tossed around today like it's nothing. The chances of finding the "right" person is pretty much slim to none. Girls are saying it, guys are saying it and none of them know what love actually stands for. I don't know what it means and I for one am not afraid to admit that.

One thing I do know a lot about is being alone. I am not going to lie there are times that I enjoy it. The freedom, no worries, no drama. Then there are times that I wish someone would be there for me, to hold me, to listen to me, to talk to me. I can't imagine being alone forever even though I do joke about it. Friends and family help fill that void but nothing can compare to that person that breathes, lives and talks solely about you.

I can't help but want that.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: Starring my Life

Being a broke college student is hard but I have perfected that art for the past four years. Now that I actually have a piece of paper that says I have a BS (pretty much bullshit) degree in Psychology I can't seem to do anything with it. You know you have hit rock bottom when the animal clinic won't even hire you. I mean damn, I know how to do things but I just don't have the "experience" that most companies are looking for. EXPERIENCE is a 10 letter word that will be the bane of your existence. In simple words if you don't have it, tough luck my friend. Being the first person in my family to get this far I literally didn't have anyone to turn to for advice. I learned about GREs and internships, externships, research opportunities and recommendation letters in my senior year. While everyone else had already jumped the bandwagon into experience land I am just sitting over here on google trying to figure out what the hell an internship is. So I have decided that I am going back to school. Why? I want another shot at doing things the right way. More internships, more externships, more research=no life for me (not that I had one anyways but that is besides the point I am trying to make here). This is my second chance at proving people wrong and making my family proud and instead of four years I get to do it in one. Watch out world cause here I come....just don't expect me to run...that is not a pretty sight. 

And the phantom strikes again!

Eddie came in again today but I was so busy with what I was doing I didn't even get to see him. 

baby come back

Ed/Eddie/Edward: Why is this so hard?

How can someone be constantly on your mind when you don't even have the balls to talk to him in the first place? Well that would imply that I have balls...which I don't. Oh and on another note, he has no idea I exist outside of where I work. Eddie comes into my place of work about twice a month. He always leaves a donation and probably orders the same thing and at this point I couldn't care less because once his name comes up I forget how to Noosh. A simple smile is all I get once he comes in and to be honest that is all I need. Who am I kidding. I need a lot more. He is tall and a total beefcake and...and nothing. I'll leave Eddie to my fantasy and just keep doing my thing, whatever that may be. If being forever alone is a "thing" then I pretty much have that covered.

Underneath the skin there's a human

It seems like I am in one of those moods. The type of mood that nothing matters. Even if something remotely fascinating happened I couldn't bring myself to care for it at all. I can't seem to find the inspiration to do anything lately and quite frankly even my "mood" is starting to annoy me. It could be that I am annoying myself. Damn. Life already had a solid grip on me but now I just feel like I am just walking on disappointment.